CAN YOU HEAR ME?

As much as I pour out words to make a living, I rarely do so for my heart. I find it extremely tiresome to look for words describing every complex emotion residing in my heart. There are moments when it gets overwhelming. Then, I explode. In those rare moments, my words are melancholic, but out of my caged heart so I'm at peace. 

It never lasts though. Yet the limited calm is inspiring. 

Today, is one of those moments.

Today, I want to scream.

My thoughts are muddled. I have several stories intertwined in my head, all with their own hurdles and solutions. All with their own joy and sadness. But the one which has been consistently burning me lately, is of my insolent heart and her restrained behaviour. 

My heart saunters with a provocative pride. She's adamant but also lost. She seeks intimacy but cannot bring herself to relinquish the cold crippling chains of insecurity around her. Its what protects her, at least that's how it feels. 

You must have seen eucalyptus trees, right? Next time, look up at their crowns, focus on the miniscule distance between them. Their leaves, flirting with each other. The wind blowing through the branches, teasing, almost making them kiss. When you look closely, you just know the canopy they form will be intimate, prepossessing, liberating; but the crown shyness won't let them near each other's personal space. Their roots, find it impossible to loosen their grip for the fear they'll lose everything they've built their entire existence on. The distance, although wee, is impossible for them to cover.

It is similarly impossible for me to greet anyone in my safe space. My roots, more particularly my heart's, won't allow it. 

Today, I want to scream. 

I met a man. And like every hurt individual, my heart restrains from opening up. But this man, this man can trigger every emotion in me.

When he caresses my arms with his fingers, our boundaries blur and I almost surrender to his warmth.

His face, a mere inch away. His parted lips begging me to indulge in his lechery. His fingers on my wrist, unmoving, like I'm imagining the fire. The moment it becomes unbearable, I close my eyes hoping he hears my racing heart and join in the rhythm.

Today, I want to scream. 

The sheer joy of putting your arms around your beloved is unmatched. There is no greater relief, intimacy, hope, security, pleasure - than in the comfortable silence of their company. But first, you must trust. 

Trust, that in giving your heart away, you won't lose yourself. 

Trust, that in welcoming their love, you won't also welcome treachery. 

Trust, that they won't disregard your defensive dark humour, rather be curious to know the reason why. 

Today, I want to scream. 

Teach me. Teach me to let go. 

To let go of this reluctance. This needless want to not shed my inhibitions and invite him into my personal, sacred bubble, burning with compassion.  To trust that he will want me despite the chains, despite the blurred chaos, no matter how frightening they seem. 

I open my eyes and see the longing in his. But it looks as if he has his own hurdles, his own stories, his own chains. My racing heart suddenly skips a beat and begins to slow down.

This is new. I don't know how to ask him to trust me when I, myself, am struggling with the same. Because I understand how arduous it is to fall in love, I can do nothing but wait for him to open his heart and trust that I will see, listen, understand. 

He talks about the ecstacy of living through sin. He talks about the freedom in not exposing all your dreams. He talks about how foolish they are who repeatedly choose to go through a routine. Every day, without fail. His words resonate with my heart's past decisions to not fall yet he cannot see my fears. His fingers leave a burning trail of desires on my arm yet he won't... 

I close my eyes again and breathe in a sigh of despair. He understands, and yet he does not. 

Today, I want to scream. 

Look at me! Hear my silent whispers. Feel my vulnerability. Realize how similar we are and hold me close. 

Today, I want to scream. 

Today, my caged heart, wants to let go of the restraints. 

Today, my insolent heart, wants to fall in love.