but maybe

 maybe you're afraid.

maybe you're terrified of settling down. maybe you're afraid of how limited that will make you feel. maybe it's not even that. maybe it's all irrational. maybe it's just your pathetic need for attention that makes this space a threat to your desires. 

but is it really that involuntary? the urge to desire something, pausing everything and moving towards it like a bullet. straight for the eye. can you blink and miss it? can you blink and open your eyes to the comfortable, safe, warm reality of home; can you then, stop the urge? miss the mark, keep the bullet. miss the frivolity, keep the excitement. miss the guilt, keep the lesson. is it really out of your control? 

his arms are so familiar to your body's fear of being too heavy on your heart's rightful wants and choking any screams of love, that you lose yourself in their warmth and soar. you release all your inhibitions, and believe. 

but you're afraid.

but you're terrified of believing, accepting, trusting this settled, honest space, where his soft gaze, his comforting arms, his understanding heart awaits you. you're afraid if you settle, you'll deny your involuntary urge, the chance to seek freedom and be alive, if only for a moment. 

but maybe that's just an excuse.

maybe that's how you use your words to convince your body to get along with your heart and just carry on. 

you look at his slightly open mouth, his half-closed eyes, his fluttering left eyelid. you feel his chest breathing in and out, his right leg slowly sliding up your left and tucking it right above your hip.

you want to tell him how often you think of what-if scenarios, all of a world without him. you seem to disintegrate in each one. you want to tell him how much his entrance in your life seems like fate and destiny and all the things we silly believers believe in to make sense of everything and look, you seem to be flourishing tonight.

you want to tell him he's the one. but you're afraid of how you'll breathe life into that hope and make it a reality which will make it difficult for you to keep it as it is, happy and warm and loved and safe from the inevitable hurt and petty arguments and annoying heartbreaks. and you realise how absolutely stupid that is because one can never be sure and there are always risks and that's how you learn and improve and choose to improve together. but you're still ignorant in your childish belief that you can keep it without flaws forever.

you're afraid that if you ever say the words you'll keep overthinking about each one that you'll say after so as to not crush this hopeful world where he's the one and you're not afraid to believe.